Always Good Enough
by Silawen
Summary: Afters years of not hearing from him, Rob finally stands face to face with Sabu at the most lifechanging day of them all; Rob's retirement party. RVD/Sabu Slash.
1. Part 1

Author's Note: Ridiculously sappy and melodramatic. Yeah, sorry about that.

His head was buzzing from all the attention; sentences, shards of a conversation, tumbling around in his brain until he couldn't distinguish them from the background noise. Several guys were talking to him, but he had to excuse himself, feeling overwhelmed. So many people here, close to a fifty, and all friends of his. It was very heart-warming to see them gathered like this. Nodding and smiling at everyone, he walked to the kitchen, seeking some peace. The silence was comforting, though he could still hear the voices from the living room. He looked around, peering through the large door-opening at the picture before him.

It was definitely a strange sight, all these different people in the same room. A surreal mix of old and new; ECW giants mixing with WWE pretty boys. He'd never pictured it would be like this. Tommy - with Beulah of course - Raven, Sandman, and his newer friends, Punk, Burke, Glenn. Hell, even some of the friends he'd made during his brief TNA stint were here, and they all got along.

It was like the different stages of his career, of his life, were mingling. Memories - images of days gone past - coming together at the end of it all. It was strange to see that with every face he saw a part of his career, could remember the joy and hardships that had come with that particular time. They were all there, all representing a different part of the timeline. All, except one; the face that should have represented the start of it all, and the face that should have been the never-wavering constant in his wrestling career, his life. Sabu.

Fingernails dug into his palm, the memory of him still fresh even after six years. People had asked him the entire evening where Sabu was, all convinced that he'd know. He didn't, and it hurt. Sabu getting fired, for what Rob still didn't know, had been one of the darkest days in his life. He could still remember his shock at the news, the scrambling to leave the hotel he was in and find Sabu. No one knew where the man had gone, and even Rob – skilled as he was at figuring out what his partner was thinking – couldn't find him. He'd called Sabu's cell phone, had kept calling him, but there had been no answer. His lover had left like a thief in the night.

Next thing he knew, a week had passed. A week, then a month, and finally Sabu was back into the picture, wrestling at TNA. He'd heard it from Raven, Sabu's decision apparently a last minute one, and he'd felt a mixture of relief and anger. Relief that the man he loved was alright, anger at the way he was being ignored by him. Rob had thought that perhaps things could go back to normal then, convinced that he knew how Sabu felt about him even though he'd never said it. Desperately he'd asked to be let go, but McMahon would have none of it. Rob hadn't expected him to. Raven kept him up to date on Sabu's wrestling, but no one knew how Sabu himself was doing. It ate at him.

It took Rob two months to get himself fired, three more weeks to sever all ties with the WWE and jump to TNA. He wasn't allowed to wrestle yet, of course, but that wasn't why he'd taken the job. Unfortunately by the time Rob had been allowed to freely walk the backstage halls of TNA, Sabu had moved to Japan. A fucked up sense of timing, Raven had called it, because Sabu had come to an understanding with the Japanese company mere days before Rob had been fired. Raven suggested Sabu might have chosen differently, had he known.

TNA was a good fit for him, Rob realised, but the reason behind him joining festered in his mind, the feeling so very different. By the time he'd booked a plane for Japan Sabu had been fired already. It had taken the man five days to get himself dropped, a groundbreaking record even for him. Rob had felt hope at that, thinking Sabu would come back to the States, to TNA, to him. He hadn't.

The last Rob found out was that Sabu had made plans to go to Europe, but after that no one knew where the man was. No matter whom he asked; Sabu was gone. Like he'd disappeared off the face of the earth. Rob hadn't heard anything since.

Six long years since then, since the night Sabu had left the WWE. The memories were painful, even now. Six years ago he'd been happy. He hadn't been content since.

"You know, I think The Sheik would have been proud of you."

Rob looked up at Tommy, a gentle understanding in the man's eyes. He'd always been a good friend. Rob smiled weakly, nodding.

"Perhaps not as proud if he'd known I'd retire at 42."

Tommy shrugged. "We're all different. You didn't love what you did anymore. You shouldn't continue if you don't. Just because you're not in a wheelchair, or unable to stand without crutches, doesn't mean you should keep wrestling until you die doing it."

"You still wrestle."

A chuckle. "I wouldn't call it wrestling. I just stand there and hit some young guys in the head with a chair." A shrug. "I still need it. You don't. It's different."

"I thought it was wrestling I couldn't live without. Thought so for many, many years. Turns out it was something else," Rob whispered, wishing not for the first time this evening that everyone would just leave and he could crawl into bed. He could use the comfort of a dreamless sleep. Strange how memories of old could hurt so much, even now. He'd hoped the years would dull the pain, and they had, in a way. He'd learned to avoid things that would bring up memories, had made his friends realise which subject not to talk about, and if it hadn't been for the refusal of Raven and Beulah to let it go, he was positive he wouldn't think of Sabu much at all.

"Come on, it's time for your toast."

Rob nodded at that, following Tommy back to the living room, ignoring the concerned eyes of Tommy's wife. She'd always worried about him more than most people did, probably due to living with Tommy for so long. She had a knack for figuring out the problems of ECW Originals.

He raised his glass when he was supposed to, smiling at the sight of so many of his closest friends spending time together, forgetting the rivalries between their respective companies, for once not caring about words like 'over' or 'heat.' It was a definite blessing. No matter how horrible he sometimes felt, it was the love of friends like this that kept him going. He was grateful for it. He'd gotten much closer to a couple of them, even closer than he thought possible, something which surprised him even now. His friends had sensed that he needed someone to be there for him, and even though he had attempted to push them away, claiming that he wasn't ready for their meddling, they'd managed to weasel their way in anyway. Tommy played the strong and silent confidant, Beulah the caring, doting worrywart, and even Raven and Sandman – who he'd been friends with but never particularly close to – had done their part. Raven, as he so often did, challenged Rob, wasn't afraid to bring up Sabu and Rob's past, and when Rob wasn't sure about something, Scotty was the guy to go to. Things hadn't changed much. Hell, even Hack had done his part, pulling Rob with him to 'get drunk' – as he put it – whenever his friend was moping. It worked.

Rob smiled as Taz insulted Joey Styles playfully, the 'Voice of ECW' glaring at the big man before threatening to cost him his job. They worked well together, even after they'd both been moved to other brands once or twice. Taz's involvement in Rob's life had been strange, his insistence to annoy Rob quite frustrating. Over the years Rob had slung insult after insult at the guy, especially when the commentator felt the need to bash Sabu, and yet Taz did nothing. He just stood there, grinned, and continued his tirade. In the original ECW Taz would have hit him in the head.

Suddenly Raven was next to him, and Rob groaned at the look on his friend's face. Curiosity, the same look Scotty always got when he felt like messing with Rob.

"Heard anything from him yet?"

Rob scowled. "Heard from who?"

"Don't act stupid, Rob. Those games stopped working in kindergarten. We both know who I'm talking about."

"Do we?"

"You'd think Sabu would show up on a day like this. I'm sure someone must have told him about your retirement."

If there was a point to bringing up something Rob had tried to ignore – the fact that apparently Sabu wanted nothing to do with him – then Rob couldn't find it. Raven's constant prodding often left him emotionally drained, even if the man had honest intentions. He was too smart for his own good, Rob figured, and so Scotty knew Rob's thoughts were still occupied with what had happened six years ago.

Usually this would be the time Rob would frown, perhaps retort sarcastically, or simply walk off. Only, he was so tired. So tired from everyone's expectancies; the way they assumed Rob would always know where Sabu was, and the fact that they too had thought Sabu would be here. That he i should /i be here. It made him feel drained, like he had failed and people were well aware of it.

"I'm not in the mood for your mind-games."

"You used to enjoy them."

"That was before."

"Before what?"

Silence. He wasn't going to give Raven what he wanted, friend or not. Not tonight. He could go screw himself, for all Rob cared. These ever present attempts to unnerve him, get to the bottom of things, were a sign that the man cared, but if he was a real friend then he'd let it go. Rob needed for him to let it go. But he knew he wouldn't, because Raven had this misguided conception that Rob needed to talk about what had happened, how he felt, and what he was thinking. The guy was acting like a goddamn shrink.

"Not now, Scotty. Not today."

His friend sighed, patting him on the back in attempt to be comforting or reassuring, Rob wasn't sure. He didn't really care.

"Don't let the world bring you down. You never know, it might just surprise you."

Again with the cryptic messages. Rob watched as Raven stalked off, taking a seat next to Hack as he so often did. How those two didn't manage to drive each other nuts he'd never know, but then the same was often said about Sabu and him. Or, had been said, anyway. He frowned, upset that he'd let Raven get to him. Hadn't it been his intention to get through this evening without thinking about Sabu, instead soak in the company of his true friends? Instead he'd allowed Raven to weasel in more of his confusing and often cryptic messages, messages he'd always end up trying to dissect before the night was over. Damn him.

Scowling at both himself and Raven, he grabbed a beer from the kitchen and sat down with some of the TNA guys. They, at least, wouldn't constantly bring up his former best friend. Thank God for small favours. Pretending to show interest in today's wrestling, he couldn't help but sigh deeply. This wasn't how he'd intended his wrestling career to end. And it hurt.

An entire night of mingling, social behaviour, and telling stories came to an end with the last couple leaving. Tommy and Beulah, the latter still with those concerned eyes, hugged him goodbye and left into the darkness, the last of many. The WWE folk had been the first to leave - their planes leaving early the next morning - not wanting to risk the ire of their boss. The few TNA stars had left not long after, apprehensive about being in one room with a very drunk Sandman, until eventually even the ECW Originals left, Raven dragging the resident drunk with him to a cab. It was definitely like the good old times, Rob had muttered, and the others had agreed. Only, he knew it was a lie. They probably did too.

Staring through the window at the lights of Tommy's car, he sighed heavily and turned around, taking in the state of his house. It would need a fair bit of cleaning in the morning. He checked the lights and unplugged the TV, mostly because the sparks he'd seen when Sandman had dropped a beer on it had been very disconcerting. He wasn't taking chances. With his luck it'd burn down the house, and the thought of losing his prized comic collection was just too devastating to even contemplate.

A soft knock on the door stopped him dead in his tracks. As far as he knew no one had left anything behind, unless he'd been too distracted to notice. He glanced at the room, once again taking in the slight burn hole in his couch, the beer cans littering the floor, and the picture of Vince McMahon Sandman had used for target practice. The knife sticking in the wall looked to be the one he kept hidden under the sink. Hack had found it anyway. The bastard. He looked closely, but found nothing. Curiosity hastened his walk to the door, and he opened it quickly.

The sight in front of him was enough to make his whole body shudder, and he could hear his own surprised gasp clearly. Standing there, only dimly lit by the moon's light, was the one person that hadn't shown up to claim their rightful spot in Rob's history.

"Fuck," Rob managed to gasp out; the shock of suddenly seeing Sabu here rushing through him. His entire body was tingling, surprise lacing every fibre of him. If it hadn't been for the moon, Rob might have thought he was imagining things, but as clouds stopped blocking the light he could really take in the man's appearance.

That familiar aching pain returned as he saw the sad state Sabu was in. He looked so much older, the lines edged deeper than ever. Scars now also adorned his face, not just his body, a serious one just above Sabu's right eye. He was thin, too thin, though Rob would never dare call him frail, and he was self-consciously trying to turn away from Rob so he couldn't see that one arm hung loosely against his body, totally limp. The years in foreign countries had obviously not done him good, and Rob had trouble fighting the urge to pull him inside, out of the cold, and into his arms.

"God, Sabu," he whispered brokenly, six years of feeling abandoned rushing to the surface, never able to fight back the feelings that still remained. He'd changed, it was clear, but Rob couldn't help but still feel that tug at his heart that had been there the first time they'd met, and had been ever since. How did something like that change? It simply didn't, and as they stood there, staring at each other, Rob was reminded of why exactly the last six years had hurt so. He just loved this man too damn much.

"I waited till everyone had left. Didn't want to bother with all the questions."

Sabu's voice was rough, rougher than the voice Rob remembered, and it made him flinch involuntarily because of the bitterness in it. He sounded so burned out, so tired, and it made Rob's heart ache.

"They've been asking about you all day. You missed Taz explaining who you were to some of the newer guys. It was very amusing."

"I bet they thought I was a total asshole once he was done with that."

"Of course."

Unbelievable that after all they'd been through they still managed to make small-talk, like they'd seen each other a week ago. Part of him wanted to say 'fuck it' and ask Sabu where he'd been, how he'd been doing, and why he was here, but Sabu was Sabu and he'd either walk away or get mad. Rob didn't want that. Besides, he wasn't sure he was ready to think about things like that already, the mere presence of his long-time partner enough for now.

He could feel Sabu look at him, wondered what the man saw. Did he notice all the subtle differences Rob himself hadn't? People had told him that the sparkle in his eyes had died. He'd still smile brightly, tell jokes, do moves no one else could, but it wasn't with the same zealous. The sparkle, that slight edge, had left him. And Rob was pretty sure why.

A shudder racked Sabu's body, the cool night air chilling, and Rob stepped forward, concerned, wanting nothing more than to fuss over him like he used to.

"Come inside. It must be co –"

"No," Sabu hastily interrupted. "I'm not staying long."

"What do you mean you're not staying long?" Rob asked incredulously, but Sabu was avoiding eye contact.

Six years and all Sabu was interested in was a quick house-call and that was it? That hurt far more than it was supposed to, the sharp bite of Sabu's indifference tearing at Rob, causing anger to flare up. Anger at having been left like that, and the years of worrying; trying to figure out if he was alright. He could still clearly remember a year ago, when rumours had sprung up saying Sabu had died. The way all his carefully constructed walls had crumbled had surprised even Rob, leaving him desperate, sobbing, and it had taken him several days to properly digest what that had meant. Of course Raven had been very willing to tell him.

The guilty joy at finding out that it had been a false report, that it concerned another wrestler, had made him realise that this was something that would probably never change. He'd probably spend all his time worrying about that next piece of information, the latest rumours from Europe or Japan.

"I heard about your retirement. I…I just came to make sure that you knew… That you knew what an amazing wrestler you are."

That was high praise indeed, especially from Sabu. Still, he'd rather have heard something different. Something that didn't involve his prowess in the wrestling ring. It also didn't make sense, Sabu coming all this way – and who knew how far he'd travelled – just to tell Rob that. This was the man who hadn't even bothered calling when he'd left Rob behind.

"Sabu, come inside. Please."

"I told you –"

"Fuck that!" Rob interrupted, anger boiling to the surface. How could Sabu act like that, like there had been nothing between them except respect amongst colleagues?

"You i owe /i me, Sabu," he hissed, hands balled into fists. Those glittering eyes didn't waver, even when Rob stared Sabu directly in the eye. Still unreadable, as they'd always been, and still piercing Rob like a knife. Who knew what secrets Sabu would find if he looked closely? That Rob still loved him? That wasn't a secret. Most of his friends had guessed a long time ago. No matter how often he'd wished that weren't the case, he couldn't help but admit, especially with Sabu standing in front of him, that he did. He still did.

Sabu's entire body spoke of reluctance, but the slight nod was enough to show Rob that he wasn't going anywhere, not yet. He held the door open for him, again fighting the urge to touch him, to help Sabu as he limped through the door and into the hallway. He was worse off than Rob had initially thought, and it hurt to see him so. The strongest man Rob had ever known; reduced to stumbling around.

He watched as Sabu sat down on one of the couches, his stance tense and his eyes flickering around, taking everything in. Rob could see the ghost of a smile as Sabu saw an old ECW shirt lying on the floor. He didn't bend down to pick it up though; he just stared at it, his limp right arm much more obvious now that he was sitting down.

"What happened?" Rob asked softly, making sure to keep his voice even, as if the question wasn't a very important one.

"What happened with what?"

The door was pushed shut, the outside noises no longer keeping the uneasy silence at bay. Rob sat down as well. He recognised Sabu's unwillingness to talk about it, but he pushed on anyway. He needed to know.

"With your arm," he muttered. He'd start out easy, get to the big questions – where did you go, how have you been, why did you leave me – later.

"Another barbed-wire match. Tore open my entire arm again. I wasn't as lucky this time. Tore a couple of muscles, did a lot of damage. They couldn't fix it, and now it's basically dead weight. I can really hit people with it, though. I don't feel a thing in that arm."

"And your foot?"

Resignation, an annoyed glare – God, Rob had missed those – but Sabu still answered.

"Broke it and it didn't heal properly. It's fucked up, but doesn't hurt. Annoying, but I can still do the triple jumps if I want to."

"Doesn't hurt i much /i , you mean."

Sabu looked at him, eyes as dark as they'd always been. "It doesn't hurt."

"I can still tell when you're lying, you know."

Nothing, Sabu just sat there, staring at Rob. Rob let him watch, took the opportunity to try and read the man's body language. He seemed hesitant, apprehensive maybe, and very, very tense. Not that Rob blamed him, this wasn't a moment he'd expected either. He wondered if Sabu felt self-conscious about being here, looking like he did. He'd always been reluctant with those types of things, preferred to just roll his eyes whenever Rob mentioned something about him that he liked. There had been quite a few things Rob had liked.

A small smile escaped him, a hand lightly touching his own ponytail as he saw Sabu's stare change, soften. Recognition, perhaps, or maybe he too was remembering. Memories tended to screw up things, and over the years Rob had often found himself annoyed at the fact that he couldn't recollect everything with clarity. During their relationship a lot of things had happened, a lot of things he – looking back on it – wished he'd somehow managed to hold on to. But things had changed, and at the time the mere sight of Sabu waking next to him, the groggy look on his face, the way his hand would rest on Rob's chest every time Rob opened his eyes in the morning, they'd seemed like such small things, not worth storing in the back of his mind. Rob wondered how many of those insignificant things he'd lost, not realising how important they really were.

"I tried calling you," Rob said quietly, not wanting the memories to sneak up on him.

"I changed my number."

He sighed. "I noticed."

More silence, and this time Rob let it linger. There was something to be said for easy silence, something he hadn't expected him and Sabu to have. Not these days, anyway. He smiled again, this time at the thought of those times in ECW when Sabu had broken his jaw. Rob had relished in the chance to tape his boyfriend's mouth shut and just talk to him endlessly, watch Sabu's eyes narrow and his fingers plucking at the tape. It wasn't often that Rob had been able to just rattle, not often that he could say how he really felt. Usually it ended with him saying something along the lines of 'God, I adore you' and Sabu not being able to glare at him anymore. Even suicidal bastards had some weaknesses, and at the time Rob expressing how he felt had been a big one.

"I missed you."

He raised his hand as Sabu made to reply. Nothing the man said would do right now, but at least Rob had said what he wanted to say. Walking to the kitchen, he turned to look back.

"Don't go anywhere. I'm going to grab us something to drink."

"I agreed to coming in here, didn't I? I won't run off."

"Well, you have a well-documented habit of leaving people hanging. Leaving i friends /i hanging. I'm just making sure."

i I thought I was more important than that. /i Rob wanted to add, but he wasn't yet ready to leave himself open, give Sabu the chance to hit him where it really hurt. Admitting he'd missed him – and oh, he had – had been dangerous enough, right now he needed something to get his mind back in the game. No corny movie ever got it right. Seeing each other after so many years, after everything that had happened; it didn't go smoothly.

Sabu hadn't moved much since Rob left the room, and he barely moved when Rob returned either. When offered some coffee he rejected it, the look on his face telling Rob that he better not ask why. It probably had to do with his arm, not wanting Rob to see what he'd become, or some such crap.

"Why did you come here? Why now?" Rob asked, the hot cup of coffee in his hand the exact opposite of the cool way Sabu was treating him. But then, when hadn't he? It had taken a great deal of prodding from Rob to ever get him out of his shell. Still, when he had, it had been worth it.

"I already told you."

"That's bullshit. Don't treat me that way, Sabu. I don't deserve it. Why did you suddenly come? Was it because you finally had a reason? Too scared to admit your real reason for visiting, so now you pretend it's because of my retirement?"

"Of course not." Eyes narrowed, and Sabu moved uncomfortably on the couch, his good arm resting on his knee. Fingers dug into the material of his pants, Rob's eyes taking in this obvious signs of discomfort. For a second he wondered how much the man's injuries hurt him, and flashes of massages, concern, taping each other's wounds made him want to reach out yet again. Damn him.

Sabu looked him in the eye. "Do you think it was easy for me, coming here? Fuck, I almost didn't. But I had to, because you deserved to know."

"I deserved to know that you think I wrestle well? Gee, thanks, Sabu. That really made everything so much better. Now tell me, why did you i really /i come here? And don't give me that 'you're a good wrestler' crap, because I know you're lying."

"Fine, I'll tell you why. Because Scotty figured you needed some fucking closure," Sabu snapped, the statement a slap in the face, but Rob ignored it. Raven could go fuck himself.

"He knew where you were?"

A stupid, unimportant question, but one Rob was quite curious about. At least then he'd have a reason to be properly angry at his meddling friend, perhaps get some of this frustration out by banging him over the head with a frying pan. Raven had always appreciated theatrics.

The other reason for asking it was of an even more selfish reason; because he didn't want to even think about the whole closure business. He didn't need closure; he needed answers, and one other thing he wished he could just take without asking. But life didn't work that way, not even for Rob Van Dam.

"When did you start to listen to Raven?"

"Since he started making sense."

Sabu got up, immediately causing Rob to stand up as well; abandoning the cup of coffee he'd ruined completely in his haste to get back into the room. Manners sucked when you weren't sure whether someone was staying, and his tic to make some coffee or wander into the kitchen if he wanted to clear his head didn't prove very useful this time.

He grabbed Sabu's arm, not pulling, but simply reminding Sabu. Hadn't it been Rob, always there, watching, helping, guiding, allowing him to be who he thought he was, what he thought he was, but always present anyway? Like a brick road, leading you along even though you feel completely free to step out of bounds, yet always the safest choice.

"Stay."

"Rob, no."

"Stay with me," Rob tried again, more persistent this time.

"I can't."

"You know you want to." At least, Rob hoped he did. Sabu would've been gone by now if he really wanted to leave, Rob told himself. He had to cling onto that.

"Bullshit." Harsh – biting - but also the easy way out. The word Sabu used when he was too distracted, bored or otherwise unable to answer truthfully and intelligently.

"Why not." Rob's voice was soft, comforting. He always said what he thought, what he felt.

"Look at me!"

Rob wanted to say that he'd often looked at him, and had liked what he'd seen, but Sabu continued the moment he opened his mouth.

"I'm a useless old fuck!" Sabu's voice was insistent, firm. Certain that what he said was true. Rob just frowned.

"I didn't give a damn back then and I don't give a fuck now. Why should I? And you're not useless."

"I can't wrestle anymore, people won't let me. What else am I good for?"

There was pain there, Rob noticed. Perhaps at not being able to do what he'd done for so long, what had defined his existence. The one thing Sabu had going for himself, the thing his uncle had taught him. How to be a wrestler, and a damned good one. Not being able to do what he did best, it must hurt. Knowing Sabu, it hurt more than he'd ever let on.

"You're good enough for i me /i . You were i always /i good enough for me!"

A pause, Sabu taking in what he'd said.

"You always were a drama queen. Spending time with Raven hasn't done you any good."

Normally Rob would have yelled at him, but Sabu's voice was shaky, his eyes occasionally snapping to the door. Thinking about leaving, perhaps, or thinking about the easiest way to end this conversation. Looking for a way to close the floodgate he'd initiated the moment he'd shown up. Surely after so many years he'd learned that Rob was pathetically nosy, and very, very stubborn.

"It's true, though."

He stepped forward, the mere motion causing Sabu to flinch. Rob grinned slightly at the frown that resulted in, Sabu's annoyance at himself clear to even the untrained eye. He stepped forward, slowly backing Sabu up against the wall near the TV, Vince's face grinning at them but never able to distract. Not now, not ever.

More glaring, this time as Rob leaned against the wall, only somewhat touching Sabu as well. There was more frowning too, which made Rob smile. Funny how easily old quirks made him smile.

"Rob, what are you –"

"Would you shut up?"

"What do you want?!"

"Pretend you never left," Rob murmured. He could see how tired Sabu was, something in his eyes betraying that he wanted to give in. He was fighting it, the way his brow knitted together a clear sign he was struggling with something, but there was also that glimpse of recognition. Like Rob had experienced earlier, it seemed Sabu was remembering things they'd gone through, relived those precious moments.

Gently Rob leaned into him, the way he kept Sabu pressed between him and the wall different from other times. Rob had never been too forceful with his lover, always allowing him that sense of freedom, not wanting to smother Sabu with unwanted affection. Of course Sabu had still griped about it, but that was part of his charm. The eternal grouch who would be annoyed with the room they'd been given if it was the President's bedroom itself. Nothing was ever good enough, and Rob had often thought he did it to have something to say, to be different and remember himself of who he was. He was Sabu, and no one should dare forget it.

"Rob, I can't do that."

Whispered words, his face firm but eyes yielding. Rob had always been able to get what he wanted where Sabu was concerned.

"I want you to."

"Don't."

Part of him worried about ignoring Sabu's words, about shattering the very thin connection they now had, but the other part wanted nothing more than to ravish him, ignore any sense of reason. That had been the case ever since Sabu turned up, and even the cold reaction – one Rob saw through immediately – hadn't deterred him. When had Sabu ever managed to do that?

"I can't help it. I never could."

"Stop this, Rob. Let me go."

"Did that once, didn't like the end result."

"I left. You had no choice in things."

This time it was Rob who frowned. He remembered.

"You were supposed to come back. That's how the saying goes. If you love something you have to let it go, if it returns then you know…"

He paused.

"You were supposed to come back, damnit!" he finished bitterly, momentarily closing his eyes to push away the anger and the hurt. Anger at himself, for not being able to interest Sabu enough, bind him to Rob like people in movies managed to do. Then there was the anger he'd so often felt, the anger at Sabu. And the hurt; that damned hurt that wouldn't fade. The pain of it all. Now was not the time for that either, so he ignored it and looked up in guilt ridden eyes.

Guilt, not something Sabu acknowledged often. Come to think of it, Sabu hadn't said sorry yet. He still didn't acknowledge it, then.

"It wasn't yo-" Sabu began, but he was interrupted.

"Don't finish that. Don't tell me it wasn't me."

"Why not?"

"Because then you leaving me wouldn't make sense. I needed things to make sense."

"Fuck. It was never about you. Never i because /i of you. i Never, /i Rob."

Sabu stared at his limp arm for a second, and then raised the other one, moving it up Rob's chest and cupping Rob's cheek in a rare show of affection. He sighed, probably at himself, as he shook his head in what seemed to be anger. Anger at what, Rob wondered. The gesture was comforting, though, and encouraging. He still wanted him, Rob had been right.

"This is why I didn't want to stay," Sabu said through clenched teeth, the words barely registering. Rob ignored them, listening to Sabu's regular breathing instead, fingers deftly moving along the lines of his body. He could just see Sabu's eyes on him, could even feel them, and looked up, catching the way Sabu's body arched into his touch as he brushed his hands down Sabu's waist and under his shirt. Things hadn't changed, and while he was sure there were a couple of new scars, Rob could still vividly remember which ones would make Sabu squirm.

"This is i exactly /i why you ended up staying, Sabu."

"Smartass. God, you i have /i been spending too much time with Raven."

Rob grinned, winking slyly as he ducked his head and nuzzled that one spot he knew Sabu couldn't ignore. That one spot that had made the man twist and turn every time Rob had touched him, a spot no one else knew.

"Fuck this," Sabu growled, his good hand sharply grabbing hold of Rob's hair and pulling him back up, not allowing Rob even a breath as he kissed him forcefully, Rob's whimper loud enough for even Sabu's ears to hear. It had taken the man long enough to give in.

A familiar taste, yet time had dulled the memory and added a sense of excitement to the kiss, that aching need not easily replenished. Rob didn't intend to stop kissing this man anytime soon, anyway. Breathing was overrated. Sensations rushed through him, hot, cold, and alarmingly strong in their intensity. Worry, abating after mere seconds, and that delicious sense of victory. Then there was that feeling he'd explained as many things. Affection, adoration, love. He didn't have to classify it, it was simply there.

"Oh, God, I missed you. Missed you so much," he whispered, kissing back hungrily, not able to choke back the sob that threatened to spill from his lips and thus focusing on what he wanted most of all; the man kissing him. It didn't take long for some flimsy tears to fall down his cheeks, though, and Sabu gave a surprised gasp.

"Rob."

A hand threaded in his hair, fingers nimbly massaging, moving, a strange attempt to offer reassurance. Rob's mouth sought Sabu, not wanting to bother with explaining the tears, explaining the warning signs in his head. Explaining it would mean acknowledging it, and right now that wasn't what he wanted. There would be a lot of people - probably all of his friends - that would tell him that he was being stupid, that he should think of the consequences, but the mere taste of Sabu on his lips reminded him of what he'd missed so much.

"I'm sorry. Ignore it. Please, not now," he choked out through kisses, firmly holding onto the delusion that he could stay here, kissing Sabu all day.

"I was lonely too, you know," Sabu whispered in another weird attempt to give comfort, a heavy sigh leaving his lips as Rob pressed against him. Eyes sought each other, and Rob tried giving him a smile. It was hard, with his mind in turmoil, his hands tingling as they moved across the body he was supposed to know inside out, and his lips burning. Hadn't he spent days – and oh how had he berated himself for it – trying to recall every scratch, every sensitive muscle, and every scar? Turned out nothing could ever get close to the real thing. Figured.

"Damned lonely," Sabu continued. "I scared away at least three guys tagging with me."

"Well, you are a charming bastard. Now shut up."

Sabu cracked a rare smile, and Rob felt elated at it. This was how it was supposed to be, how i they /i were supposed to be. No forced 'I love you's, no clichéd attempts at romance, just intensity, that flicker of passion, and the two of them understanding each other. He loved it.

Lazy kisses were replaced with more frantic ones, and then they too were exchanged for something else, these kisses teasing, causing hands to wander. It was strange, feeling only one hand map his body, but the pleasure was more centred that way, buttons popping with practiced ease. He murmured in appreciation, smiling at the weird look on Sabu's face. Forget about that, he wanted to say, but his lips were otherwise engaged.

When Sabu pulled back Rob gave a groan. Fuck breathing, this was so much better.

"I don't want to stop kissing you." The pout was added for effect, but the look in Sabu's eyes told him that it wasn't even necessary.

"Then don't."

"Love you," Rob sighed. His only reply was a soft growl and a possessive yank on his hair. He'd never stop.

Rob awoke the next morning feeling very groggy, the memories of last night hazy as he tried remembering what exactly had happened. Something very important. He felt oddly satisfied with himself, his body mostly relaxed and calm. He hadn't felt like that since.. Startled, he realised what had been so important, and he sat up from the couch he'd been asleep on – his poor aching neck told him that had been stupid – and looked around.

Eyes moved to the couch where Sabu had slept. The man had frustratingly refused to sleep in Rob's bed, even after Rob had offered to sleep on the couch instead, and after half an hour of trying to persuade him Rob had given up. Some battles were impossible to win, especially where Sabu was concerned. So, Sabu had taken the other couch in the living room.

That couch was empty. Frantically Rob checked the kitchen, the bedroom and any room he could think of. Nothing told him that there was still another person around. Dreading it, but forcing himself to, he opened the front door, hoping to still see the beat-down rental Sabu had told him about. If the car was still here, then Sabu couldn't be far.

It wasn't.

Rob slid to the floor dejectedly, his head banging against the door on the way down. He didn't notice. How could one man be expected to be this strong, he wondered idly, cars passing by as he stared ahead. He felt defeated, rejected, alone, almost like he was reliving those painful first weeks again. Letting the cold stones beneath him chill his legs, he sighed. He simply sighed, nothing he told himself good enough to soften the blow. He was alone once more. He'd lost.


	2. Part 2

Sequel to Always Good Enough:

It had taken Rob two days to muster the courage to do what he knew he had to. Visit Raven. That in itself wasn't something he did often, the endless pushing and prodding enough to annoy even him, but if anyone knew what to do now, then it'd be Scotty. There'd be unnecessary advice, and sentences Rob didn't quite understand, but perhaps it would help.

So, here he was, waiting impatiently for the man to get off his fat ass – Sandman agreed Raven had gotten surprisingly big over the years – and open the door. Knowing Scotty, he was contemplating the best ways to scare his latest visitor shitless.

Raven didn't seem surprised to see Rob, and he stood in the door-opening with a knowing look on his face. A sigh, then a wave, and Rob followed him inside. Not caring for his friend's house, he'd seen it once or twice before, he didn't waste time looking at anything. He knew he'd find all sorts of strange stuff – and comics, something Rob would normally enjoy – but right now that wasn't what he was here for. Looking at the frown on Raven's face, he too seemed to know this wasn't a social call.

Even though Rob didn't want to, he allowed Raven to show him around again, though he saw nothing. Eventually they returned to the sitting room, where Rob declined another offer – this time of a drink – and shook his head as Raven offered him a seat as well. His friend was stalling, it was clear. Raven had never had those kind of manners.

The taller of the two brushed a hand through his hair, looking at Rob with worried eyes. That wasn't very comforting, whenever Raven was unsure about something, or worried, things usually went badly for those involved. Scott was too smart to get things wrong like that.

Looking at him, the way he just kept delaying the inevitable, made Rob feel rather murderous. Who had given him the right to interfere anyway, and why had he? Rob had been doing fine until Raven decided Sabu needed to give him closure. Fuck closure, he still didn't have it, and he was quite sure it wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

And where was Sabu in all this? Here Rob was, struggling, trying, and Sabu was probably off somewhere doing stupid things, not at all concerned with what had happened between them that night. Rob wasn't sure why, but he felt angry at the thought.

Raven just kept staring at him, this worried yet thoughtful stare causing Rob to want to wipe the frown off the guy's face. His meddling had caused this.

"I take it something went wrong? I doubt you're here to thank me."

It was the casual tone to Raven's voice that made Rob snap, the urge to hit his friend so overwhelming that he couldn't help himself. He took a swing for his head, grazing it with his knuckles as Raven backed away quickly. For someone that big his reflexes were surprisingly quick, no doubt due to all the years spent wrestling. Or, perhaps, Rob had missed intentionally because he didn't really want to hurt his friend. There was a definite conflict of interest there.

Still, there was this itch to take things out on him, the relaxed attitude Rob prided himself on momentarily forgotten for the sake of venting his anger.

"You don't want to hit me."

The mere sound of Raven's voice caused Rob to lash out again, this time hitting him square in the chest with a rather lousy punch.

"Oh no, that's exactly what I want."

He aimed for the man's face, but Raven grabbed his wrist. Rob knew there were various ways – most of which he was capable of doing – to get out of this, probably accompanied by an uncomfortable snapping sound, but something stopped him. What was he doing? This wasn't him, and Raven – no matter what the bastard had done – didn't deserve it.

"You want to hit Sabu, not me."

Rob was breathing harshly, something that surprised him. It scared him, to see how worked up he'd gotten after a few punches, after a few words. Raven was right, though, and Rob stared at the ground dejectedly. Only one meeting, and the man had already managed to make him lose control again. How the fuck did Sabu always manage to do that? It wasn't fair.

"Rob, sit down."

Rubbing his forehead, feeling frustrated with his inability to deal with this, Rob did what Raven suggested. He'd calmed down a bit, though remaining seated on the couch was still difficult. He wanted to pace, do something except wait for Raven to get to the point. Perhaps this out of character behaviour scared his friend, who knew, but then Raven had seen a lot of shit in his life. Some emotional venting wouldn't be the worst.

"What happened?"

It was the compassionate and concerned tone that did it, a sigh leaving Rob's body as he buried his face in his hands. Raven wasn't his best friend by a long shot, but somehow they'd always felt comfortable around each other. Someone to talk to, someone who wasn't as involved. Someone who had seen adversity all too often, but had overcome it. That was what Rob wanted to do now, overcome this, yet at the same time he didn't. There was a question burning on his lips, but he dared not ask. Not yet.

"He fucking left!" Rob scowled at his own bitterness, but continued anyway. "I fell asleep, and the next morning he was gone. He'd taken the car and left!"

Raven shook his head. "God, I'm sorry. I didn't expect it to happen like that."

"Well, what _did_ you expect? You're the smart person, right? You should have known!" Rob all but snarled, the guilty expression on Raven's face not helping.

"I'm not sure what I thought would happen. You'd make up and live happily ever after, or you'd break it off completely and find some peace with it, I don't know. Never this."

"Things never work the way they're supposed to with us, Scotty," Rob muttered, knowing full well how right he was. Nothing in their life could ever have been called normal. Not because they were wrestlers, though that didn't help, but because of who they were. It had started out hesitantly, Sabu holding off for far too long, and only Rob's stubborn prodding had ever been able to persuade him. That wasn't how it was supposed to go, someone shouldn't be tempted into a relationship. They should want to, and though Rob had always felt he knew, not everyone would understand.

"Goddamnit, Scott!"

Flashes, memories, of heated eyes, of hands pulling at his hair, of frantic kisses when no one was looking, they reminded Rob that Sabu had definitely wanted what they'd shared, if he just looked closely enough.

"I'm sorry."

Rob paused, the anger he'd felt at his friend dissipating at the defeat and guilt in the man's tone. It would be the easiest approach, taking his anger out on Raven, but also the most cowardly one. It wouldn't be fair. Suddenly he felt extremely guilty at having lost his temper. He was acting like a child.

"Do you know where he is?" he asked quietly, hating the way he was still hoping for some kind of information. Something to guide him, tell him where to go, what to do.

"Rob, you shouldn't –"

"Please…"

He knew he sounded desperate, something he'd been recognizing in himself quite a bit lately. Still, Rob had the hope that it would all be worth it in the end. He wasn't sure if what he'd get would be enough, but he needed to give it a try. Even if Sabu wanted nothing to do with him, then that would – should – be all. A reason not to press further, to give up and continue with his life. And if he did... Well, Rob didn't dare think of that yet.

Raven was looking worried, and Rob could almost hear the wheels turning. With all the man's intelligence, he'd also been a bit of a pessimist, so Rob could only imagine what ill-fated events that brilliant mind was coming up with. Eventually Raven nodded, having made his decision.

"Alright. Tommy will kill me, but I'll tell you where he is."

Rob smiled, thankful that he had friends like this to fall back on. Even if he did want to break their arms and legs now and then. Still, he could follow Sabu around again. Like he'd done for so very long.

Watching glumly as the unfamiliar contours of cities and villages passed by below, Rob tried to relax in his seat. Airplane flights had long since lost their fascination, and even though he had to smile at the excited cries of a child in front of him, he desperately wished he could fall asleep and simply let the next couple of hours go by.

Having left Raven and ignored his friend's failed attempts to make him see reason, - when had Rob ever managed that? - he'd booked himself the earliest flight he could find. Which meant he'd been up and about at 5 o'clock in the morning, but that couldn't be helped.

Travelling to Germany wasn't new, though it had never been this important. Shows remained shows, no matter where they were, but this was different. Even if he'd probably end up at a wrestling show. What else would Sabu be doing in a foreign country? Besides running away, that is.

Next to him a woman, roughly his age, snapped her book shut - no doubt annoyed with the insisting 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the children in front of her. He couldn't blame her. Giving her a compassionate smile, he turned back to the window, leaning against it - even with the chill - and closing his eyes. Perhaps this time, sleep would come.

Tired - oh so very tired - from hours of travelling, Rob had contemplated staying at the hotel. His head had been pounding ever since he'd been roughly awakened by some turbulence, and the trip from the airport to the hotel and then to where he was now - all in a rather uncomfortable cab - had almost made him consider going to bed for a while.

But, the fear of not going through with it, or missing Sabu - who knew when this event ended and Sabu would be chasing after a new show to shine at - had made him decide against it. Better to get this over with.

He stared at the building he'd been dropped off at, the unmistakable presence of wrestling clear just by the faded pictures stuck on the door. It was a humble entrance, but those people that wanted to go in had no trouble whatsoever finding it.

Rob wondered for a second how he'd pay, the spare Euros he'd found in an old coat barely enough to pay for the hotel room, but he soon found out that people hadn't forgotten him just yet.

"I don't believe it. Rob Van Dam! It's been a while since I last saw you, man."

The man selling the tickets smiled broadly at him, and Rob grinned. It was good to know people remembered and still appreciated him, though he hoped not too many people would find out he was here. He didn't need everyone bothering him and giving Sabu the chance to run off again. Years ago he wouldn't have thought that possible, Sabu fleeing from anything, but it was the sad truth.

"Nice to meet you. I, ehm, I was looking for Sabu."

"Ah, of course. That makes sense. Follow me!"

After making sure one of his co-workers took over at the gate, the rather broad man pushed his way through the people, Rob in his wake. Occasionally Rob caught the flash of surprise on people's faces, the unmistakable look of recognition, but overall he seemed to get by unnoticed. Hiding under the hoodie he had pulled over his head could do that.

Taking in the run down quality of the place, yet also the special sensation in the air – this was a wrestling show, after all – Rob followed patiently, the man luckily not interested in showing off his latest find.

Eventually they got to some shabby locker rooms in the back of the building, separated from the ring by a hallway and thick, black curtains. Rob looked at the ring for a moment, memories creeping up on him, but when the man stopped and pointed at a pale green door, he froze. His stomach twisted and turned, nerves suddenly hitting him. What had possessed him to come all the way to this place he didn't know, just to chase after someone who obviously wasn't interested? Raven was right, Rob must be stupid.

"He should be in there. Their main event just ended, really a shame you missed it."

Rob scowled, knowing Sabu shouldn't have been wrestling. The man didn't notice though and continued proudly.

"There's another show after this one, in about two hours, but I don't think Sabu's in it. Then again, you probably know his schedule better than I do. Man, having you two in the same building brings back memories of that old ECW you guys were in."

He gave the man a weak smile, not even bothering to set him straight. That would only result in obnoxious questions, and that wasn't what he needed right now. He needed a shower and a bed, though both seemed unlikely, and he needed to talk to Sabu. Perhaps tie him down, if needed. Pretty much like old times.

"You can probably just go in there, you know. I don't think the boys would mind."

He looked up, the thought of facing Sabu with several young wrestlers present a scary one. He wasn't getting into that with an audience watching. An audience that would judge.

"No, that's fine. I'll wait till he's ready. He gets cranky when I rush him."

A chuckle, and a nod. "Yeah, he sounds like that kind of guy. Well, if you need anything, just ask. I'll be heading back to the front now, can't trust Daniel with anything. With our luck he's let in half the football team."

Giving Rob a heavy pat on the back, the man chuckled at his own joke and walked off, the hallway suddenly very empty. A stagehand snuck by, giving Rob a once-over before hurrying off, but besides that there was no one around. Rob wasn't sure whether that was a good thing, or just unfortunate.

Probably the latter, Rob reasoned, because his mind was given entirely too much time to come up with possible reactions Sabu could have. From yelling, hitting him, throwing things at his head, and having him kicked out of the building, the possibilities were endless. There was that sneaky hope Sabu would somehow let Rob know he was happy to see him, but he wasn't counting on it.

Feeling very stupid for just standing there – though no one was looking – Rob leaned against the wall, eyes firmly focused on the door. His head ached, and not for the first time he wished he'd stopped to get some aspirin first. Or whatever they called it here. Still, the man had said Sabu had finished, so that might have caused Rob to miss him. It seemed fate had something else in mind, making sure Rob got there on time.

The door opened and, startled, Rob pushed off the wall. Two young wrestlers walked out, both acting like they'd just been attacked by something, but neither noticed Rob. Something told him Sabu was the cause of that, but he couldn't be sure until he did in fact see the familiar form of his lover, friend – Rob wasn't sure what to call him now – pause in the door opening. He was busy scowling at their backs, and it gave Rob a second to take him in. His hair was wet, no doubt from the shower, and he'd thrown a jacket over his ring gear. Never one to stay around for very long, he looked about ready to leave for the hotel.

Then Sabu turned, dark eyes catching his, and Rob swallowed nervously.

They stared at each other, the scene eerily similar to the one that night at Rob's place. It was obvious that Sabu was surprised, even his stoic expression not hiding the wonder in his eyes, the sight of Rob before him obviously an unexpected one. Rob kept quiet, the aching behind his eyes gone. The travelling had paid off, even if Rob suddenly didn't know what to do. He'd thought about it, had formed all sorts plans, but now that he was here, he felt lost. Words he didn't recognize, accents he couldn't place, they all rushed by as he stood there, another stagehand walking past, but not interjecting. Thank God for that.

A pamphlet to Sabu's right - it was hard to look at him directly - caused Rob to scowl again. In big, bold letters Sabu's name adorned the top. What lies had he told those whose job it was to tempt wrestlers their way? Knowing him, he'd said he was fine, the limp one of those minor injuries everyone knew Sabu always had. He was a convincing liar, after all, and years of being constantly injured had left people thinking Sabu couldn't be stopped. Guess they were right.

"Rob."

There was a tremor there, he noted. One of those tell-tale signs, to Rob at least, that Sabu was somehow affected by what was going on. Then again, he better be.

Other wrestlers carefully pushed past Sabu, the way he was obstructing the door-opening apparently lost on the man, and Rob tried a weak smile as one of the men raised an eyebrow at him. It must have looked strange, them staring at each other, and if these were indeed wrestlers then they undoubtedly recognized the two. What they were thinking, Rob couldn't be sure, but it was probably better if they found somewhere else to talk.

"Come," he said, the way Sabu allowed Rob to pull him away another one of those signs that his surprise was enough to render him temporarily meek and willing.

They ended up in the car park, the lot pretty much empty except for several vans. Sabu muttered something about the ring crew, so Rob figured only backstage people parked here. It was for the best, he doubted either of them knew the building well enough to find a remote spot. It was rather cold, though, and Rob huddled in his jacket as he gave the area a once-over. It was small, pretty inconspicuous, and he doubted anyone could see through the thick bushes down the sides.

"What are you doing here?"

_Why do you think I'm here?_ Rob wanted to ask, but chose instead to keep it light, for now, even if he didn't want to.

"Don't tell me you're surprised to see me. I always did act like a puppy running after its owner, you know," he muttered, the cracked lighting above them casting deep shadows, occasionally broken by the light bulb's vigilant tries to work as it was supposed to.

"Should you be wrestling?" Rob asked cautiously, hoping Sabu wouldn't reply to his other comment. Knowing him it would have been some stupid quip about leashes and whatnot, and right now Rob didn't need the familiarity of them joking around.

"Aren't I always?"

Rob sighed. It wasn't an answer, though he knew what Sabu meant. To him that was a big part of his existence; wrestling. It was what had made him, defined him, and nothing was as important as wrestling. Not even Rob.

"You shouldn't be."

He received a glare for that, one he had anticipated. The thought of not being able to wrestle was a tough one to swallow, especially for Sabu, and someone else telling him that was bound to cause friction.

"Who are you to decide that?" Sabu frowned at the mere idea.

"Just someone who cares."

A snort, and Sabu turned away, though Rob could see Sabu's hand steady himself on the wall. Seeing how pale he was, Rob was momentarily worried that he might pass out, causing him to check for any signs that Sabu had hurt his head. Wanting to reach out, push away the hair so he could check for cuts and bruises, he was surprised by the biting edge to Sabu's voice.

"Stop that, Rob!"

"Stop what?"

Again Sabu wavered on the spot, and Rob felt his hands twitch. Nothing he had ever offered to do for Sabu had ended well, and most of the time he'd gotten snarled at for fussing. Not that that in itself wasn't a turn on, but the ground – complete with sharp rocks and broken tiles – didn't look at all inviting and Rob knew that would be where Sabu'd end up if he worked himself into a frenzy.

"Stop looking at me like that. Stop pitying me. I don't want any of that."

"You're confusing pity with concern again. You always did."

There was silence between them, the screeching of tires nearby proving to be the soundtrack for yet another conversation in which Rob felt like not everything was being said. It needed to be, but Sabu's nature, and Rob's unwillingness to get hurt again, kept it from happening. Rob knew this, but wasn't sure he could deal.

"Rob," Sabu ground out, a frown on his face as he carefully shifted his weight off his bad leg. Standing still didn't do him any good. "Why are you here?"

That question again. Usually such a simple, meaningless question, but suddenly so very important. Answering it was dangerous, but then most questions Sabu asked were dangerous. He always put so much meaning behind them.

"Well, I always did like Germany as a country, and -" Rob paused as he saw the look in Sabu's eyes, that fleeting flash of disappointment, so striking. Disappointed with Rob for being a coward, perhaps, that he didn't say what Sabu himself wanted to say so desperately.

"God, Sabu, you know why I'm here."

"Do I?" Caution, a sliver of anger – why Sabu thought he had the right to be angry, Rob wasn't sure – and it seemed Sabu was annoyed with himself. Rob wanted to ask questions, find out what was going on, but he was sure Sabu wouldn't appreciate it, so he just answered.

"I'm here because of you. You go, I follow. Isn't that how it usually goes?"

More uncomfortable movement, and Rob could almost see Sabu replay memories. It had often happened that Rob would follow his friend tirelessly, even after a fight, and it somehow felt right that he was doing it again. A resemblance of before, in a way.

"Yeah, you were always good at that. You never fucking listened, though."

He had to smile at that, Sabu's tone harsh to anyone but him. Somehow Rob had always managed to see past that, something which had started when Sabu had helped his uncle train him. Even back then they'd clashed, but in a competitive way, and they'd learned to trust each other, lean on the other for support. Undoubtedly, Rob figured, Sabu had never admitted that to anyone, but days spent stuck in some lousy rental put things in perspective. It was hard to stay cold and cruel to someone forever, and Rob had learned what to do to get what he wanted.

"Well, most of the time you didn't make much sense."

Sabu chuckled. "Cocksucker."

It was a relief to Rob, to see his friend unwind. No one knew for sure with Sabu, but he was pretty positive he wouldn't get hit in the face with something. He seemed to relax – which wasn't always a good thing, but seemed to be now – and if he was using one of his favourite nicknames for Rob – Rob figured that was wishful thinking on Sabu's part – then he was comfortable.

Watching his friend, he could see him shiver - the thin material of his ring gear not enough even with the added bonus of a jacket. Normally he'd be in a car right now, nice and warm – provided the rental had heating. Rob felt guilty for that, but hoped Sabu wouldn't mind.

"I'd offer you my jacket, but I know what the answer would be."

A patented snort, and Rob smiled again – he couldn't help himself – though it faded at the weary sigh that left his former lover. Sabu rubbed his forehead, and not for the first time Rob noticed the way he was hanging against the wall, good hand rubbing his thigh. Was he in pain? Surely if he mentioned that, he'd get yelled at.

"You're tired," he whispered instead, wanting nothing more than to just hold the man up, but he knew pride - annoying as always - wouldn't let him. Whether it was his - not even wanting to think about the man he loved breaking down - or Sabu's, he wasn't sure.

A weary chuckle. "I always am. It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does." A pause. "We should go. Give me the keys, I'll find your rental."

Sabu shook his head. "I came with a cab. Driving…driving is hard, these days."

They both seemed uncomfortable at that, Rob kicking himself for not realizing things had changed. Then again, he'd always been the one driving – had never really heard of Sabu going somewhere on his own – so he'd always joked Sabu had never learned how to drive. Usually he'd have made the joke, but the way Sabu seemed trapped in his body's failure caused him not to.

"I don't have money."

A frown. "How the fuck were you planning to get back? Counting on me to pay again, I bet. You always were a cheap son of a bitch." Sabu pushed himself off the wall. "And who says you're coming with me, anyway?"

Looking at him, he saw Sabu's eyes soften. Sabu sighed, then motioned for Rob to follow him. "Fine, but you carry my bags. I left them in the locker-room."

Wanting nothing more than to help him out, Rob nodded quickly and opened the door, pushing it open wide enough so Sabu wouldn't have to bother with it. There had been many ways – over the years – that Rob had learned to help him without Sabu finding out. He'd just have to sharpen up on them again. Still, being ordered to do something had never felt so good. Rob grinned, it was just like old times.

In all his years in the business, Rob had seen many a disgraceful hotel room – mostly when he'd wrestled for ECW – but none had been quite as small as this one. He was almost in awe of it, the impossible size of it all making even him feel claustrophobic. Walls closing in on him made him blink, and if he hadn't gotten an annoyed prod from Sabu he would have remained there in the door-opening.

"What is this?!" Rob asked, letting Sabu pass, and taking in the room some more. It was just wide enough to hold the bed, which was a surprise in itself, and the TV that should have been placed in front of it had thus been put to the side. Looking at it, Rob wasn't sure if it would work. There was one chair, randomly placed in a corner, and that was that. The sad thing was, looking at the rather large bed, this was supposed to be a two-person room.

"If you don't like it, then you can fucking leave," Sabu muttered, turning on the TV and showing Rob that it did, in fact, work. Guess the room had one up on Rob this time.

"Surely you can afford better than this?"

"I can afford a lot of things!" Sabu snapped, "This room is fucking fine! Just because you've become pampered like the good little WWF wrestler you are, doesn't mean everyone is. I'm saving money, which is why I have money, and you're leeching off of me. And the thing has a fucking balcony, if you're so damned worried about prices."

Deciding he'd better not antagonize his friend further, Rob walked over to what seemed to be balcony doors, peeking through the stained glass windows to see a balcony that was barely big enough to fit two chairs. Not that those chairs were anything to rejoice about. In fact, one of them looked close to falling apart and disappearing altogether.

It was downright silly that Sabu would have to stay at a place like this, especially when Rob had a perfectly alright hotel room waiting for him. That would probably qualify as 'pitying him', though, and apparently Sabu saw nothing wrong with the shoddy place. Rob wondered how it was possible to ignore the fact that there was a giant hole in the ceiling, though.

Sabu had followed him – not that there was much chance of doing anything else in this room – and was now standing next to him, eyes seeking out Rob's.

"You haven't changed."

Chuckling ruefully, Rob shook his head. "Sure I have. I've grown old."

"If you're old, then what does that make me?" Sabu asked, annoyed.

"Ancient, I guess."

"Cheeky fucker."

Catching the amused grin, the way Sabu actually seemed to enjoy their banter, made something inside of him ache. Not the bad ache, mind you, more the sort one got when everything was going the way they wanted it to, and they knew it would be ripped away from them soon enough. That inevitable sense of doom. Nothing good ever lasted long.

That thought struck home. Not being able to help himself, Rob turned sideways, mouth frantically seeking out Sabu's. At first there was a surprised reaction, which had Rob thinking he was going to be left on the floor clutching his face, but Sabu seemed to regroup soon enough. A pained murmur left him, good hand reaching up to roughly grab hold of the ponytail – Sabu was nothing if not predictable when it came to that – but he kissed back anyway.

Angling his head to relieve the muscles in Sabu's neck, Rob tried to stop the shivers that were racking his body. It wasn't supposed to mean that much, it was only a kiss. A familiar taste, with the definite hint of blood, flooded his senses and he didn't even realize he'd shut his eyes – painfully so – until he tried reading Sabu's reaction.

A throaty gasp, something of a warning flashing in Sabu's eyes, but also a appreciative murmur, teeth pulling at Rob's bottom lip. Pulling Rob's head down further, one hand was all he needed for that, Sabu seemed intent on making the most of this kiss. It left Rob arching back slightly, trying desperately to make sure neither were too uncomfortable. He wanted to rip Sabu's clothes off, feel, touch, but was worried at the same time about the man's reactions. And not just because he didn't yet know how to deal with his partner's injuries.

Letting one hand slip under the man's waistband, he felt Sabu's stance change. Burying his head in Rob's neck, Sabu seemed to need a moment before he nipped an earlobe savagely. Sabu had always been fond of hearing Rob's whine, something he would get to hear soon if he kept hurting him. Not that it wasn't a turn on, of course.

"As much as I always love a good fuck," Sabu whispered, breath brushing Rob's ear, "I'm too fucking tired to deal with you."

Rob recognized the regret in Sabu's voice clear as day, and cursed himself for forgetting that Sabu had had a match, a stiff one if the bloody mouth was to be believed. He was supposed to be the considerate one, damnit, not forget about his partner's wellbeing simply because he was horny. That was Sabu's part to play.

"Nah, you're just a tease."

Sabu chuckled softly, Rob covering that with another needy kiss. Okay, so no sex, that left a myriad of possibilities. Hands brushed underneath the jacket, touching bare skin greedily. That's what he'd always liked about his partner's ring attire. Once the head gear had come off, his torso was complete naked, complete with scars for Rob to sigh over. He could feel the knots in Sabu's shoulders, though, as he encircled the man with his arms. Tired muscles, tenseness, always attributes to Sabu, but never as obvious as now.

Nose-to-nose, Rob sighed. He didn't want to be selfish. Well, he wanted to be, but knew he couldn't. Not if he dared to say he cared for – no, loved – this man.

"You should sleep."

"I hardly do, these days."

_I bet you haven't_,Rob couldn't help but think, that ever-present urge to fuss rearing its ugly head again. Oh, how often had Sabu bitched about Rob's habit of checking up on him. He simply couldn't help himself, and neither could Rob.

"God," Sabu choked out, his hand almost gentle as it let go of Rob's hair and rested against his neck instead. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this."

He sighed, Rob's hands affectionately rubbing his shoulders, trying to rid him of the painful aching, and eventually Rob could feel some of the tension leave. What the man was talking about, only God knew, but as Sabu pulled Rob's head forward, eyes level, it seemed important.

"You were supposed to be a good fuck, nothing more. Leaving shouldn't have been a problem," Sabu continued, eyes flashing.

"Bastard," Rob muttered, though he'd known all along their relationship had started out that way. It had been the only way for Sabu to condone what they were doing. It was because they didn't have anyone else to fuck, and they were both lazy by nature, not because it was something serious. Never something serious. Only, for Rob it had always been, and he was quite sure that after a while Sabu had felt the same way.

To him the earlier words had come as close to a declaration of love – a term that almost made him shake his head – as Sabu had ever gotten, and that knowledge hit him hard. Holding on tight, only just keeping his fingernails from digging into the man's skin, he kissed him again, urgently, though this time Sabu pulled back.

"What's wrong?" the grumpy question came. "Don't go all mushy on me now, Rob, most people don't appreciate being told they were supposed to be a toy."

Reluctantly letting him go, Rob gave his partner a weak smile. "Guess I'm just funny like that."

"Hmf, I've always suspected you were funny. The wrong kind of funny, though, if you know what I mean."

Rob laughed, too out of it to come with some witty reply. Back in the days he'd always lost too, Sabu always getting in the final word one way or the other. Sometimes he simply called bullshit, and that was that, but he did occasionally manage to make Rob feel at a loss for words.

Fumbling with his hair – one tug from Sabu had dislodged various strands from their confines – Rob looked at the bed, noticing there wouldn't be a lot of room. There was only one pillow, too, and Rob doubted he'd be the one to get it, even if he had to sleep on the floor. They'd spent a lot of time in the same bed, but this time Sabu might not want him there.

Watching Sabu pull at the bedcovers, Rob considered how to best approach the subject. Luckily it seemed Sabu had read his mind, though, because there was a frown on the man's face, and an annoyed scowl to his lips.

"I guess we can share the bed. But keep your ass on that side. I don't want you getting all clingy. I can't promise I won't throw you out of bed if you latch onto me, either." Sabu paused for a second, then glared. "And you're not getting the pillow!"

Rob smiled, not even bothering to tell Sabu that he'd often woken up because of a hand that had threaded possessively in his hair. He nodded, shrugging out of his clothes and throwing them on the floor. Sabu had, of course, used the only chair to drop his clothes on, though Rob didn't care.

Crawling under nothing but the sheets – Sabu couldn't stand being suffocated under layers of filth, as he'd say – Rob had a terrible sense of dejavu. Countless times they'd been in exactly the same position, would this time be different? Shifting around a bit, the bed cold underneath him, he bit his lip. He had to ask.

"When I wake up tomorrow, will you be gone?"

Sabu hesitated, but the response was firm. "No."

Yet, in the back of his mind, Rob wasn't sure. So many things had been said, and so many times Rob had found out he'd been lied to, the most recent instance also the most painful one. Trusting Sabu had become difficult, had always been difficult, but he wanted to believe what the man said.

Feeling that Sabu was looking at him, that familiar shiver crawled up his spine, and Rob closed his eyes. He'd just have to trust him.

The next morning Rob woke up early, being used to a set routine. At first he wasn't sure where he was, or why the very comfortable looking covers lay discarded on the floor, but then it dawned on him. Looking at the other side of the bed, it didn't look very slept-on. A flurry of worry coursed through him, but soon enough he caught sight of the bag hanging off the chair. Sabu's. He wouldn't leave without his things, right?

Sitting upright, he rubbed sleepy eyes. Where had the bastard gone? Only after he'd crawled out of bed did he notice that the doors that opened to the balcony – if you could call the small entrapment that – were slightly ajar. Pulling on a sweater, he walked over and opened them cautiously.

There sat Sabu, huddled in a jacket and staring into the distance. A lighter in his good hand and the distinctive waft of something Rob was well-acquainted with made for a very familiar picture. Smoke twirled upwards, and Rob was pleased to see some things hadn't changed.

"I'm not sure that's legal here, you know."

Sabu said nothing, so Rob sat down next to him, the chair cold and uncomfortable, staring at the flat that was supposed to count as scenery. Their - Sabu's, he reminded himself - hotel room definitely wasn't the best the place had to offer. Down below he could hear cars starting, inhabitants of the building opposite them leaving their homes and driving to work. That meant it would be around seven o'clock, possibly earlier. Rob could remember looking at his phone before falling asleep, the red digits now telling him he hadn't slept long. Looking over at Sabu, at the ever-tired eyes and slouching shoulders, he wondered if _he_ had slept at all.

"Why didn't you leave?"

The 'cigarette' - Rob was staying politically correct - dangled precariously on Sabu's lips as the man seemed to ponder Rob's question. His brows knitted together like they'd always done, and eventually Sabu turned his head.

"Because you were right."

Rob waited, the obvious question not necessary this time. He could see, from the way one hand fumbled nervously with a lighter, that he wasn't done yet. Knowing Sabu wouldn't appreciate the gesture, Rob didn't even offer to light it for him.

"I am tired."

Tracing the lines of the neat brickwork in front of him, Rob sighed. He knew that feeling all too well. The hand next to him fumbled some more, but eventually he could hear the familiar sounds of a working lighter, albeit shortly. It had to be difficult, only being able to use one hand.

"Everyone would be." Rob turned back to his partner.

"It's different, Rob. I've always been tired, broken, but these last couple of years... I don't know." Sabu shook his head gingerly, the uncomfortable rolling of his shoulders betraying the usual aches and pains. No wonder his body had given out. The constant travelling, the painful abuse, even broken necks hadn't been able to stop him. Not much ever had, though Rob had definitely tried.

"I know what you mean," Rob muttered, the situation almost ironic. Here they were, chatting about being worn out, when their separation had probably been a big part of it. For him, at least.

Reaching over and stealing the cigarette from Sabu - to which an eyebrow was raised - he leaned back and relaxed. He could use a bit of peace and quiet, just sitting there and letting things wash over him. Used as he was to travelling, it didn't bother him as much as it would other people, but it was still an ordeal he didn't particularly enjoy. The situation right now was much better, being able to lounge in a chair and know Sabu was sitting next to him. Even if he was being his normal quiet and grouchy self.

Years it had been since they'd last done this, Rob recognized, but somehow it felt no different. How many hotels had they stayed in, spent their precious free time being lazy, doing things they weren't supposed to, and throwing slight jabs at each other's heads? How many countries they had been in, with Rob joking around about foreign languages, customs, or beliefs, after which Sabu firmly told him to shut the fuck up? Rob smiled, there'd been so many times, in so many different ways, and there was nothing in the world that could make him give up those beloved memories.

"That wasn't yours," Sabu commented dryly, and Rob simply smirked. There was humour in the older man's eyes, and it was entirely too early to get mad at Rob for something. Both knew this, though Sabu's grand attempt at looking menacing didn't go unnoticed.

"Grouch," Rob muttered affectionately, catching the slight grin. Sighing contently, he stared out into the distance. The watery sun trying to escape the wrath of some clouds was something of a mirror image of them, Rob decided, suddenly feeling poetic. He wanted to tell Sabu about it, but he wasn't sure he would appreciate being called a rain-cloud.

Looking over at Sabu again, he noticed the man had closed his eyes. Rob hoped he'd fall asleep – miracles did happen – because he could definitely use it. His brow was furrowing though, so perhaps he was in deep thought instead. Not knowing what to say, Rob just sat there, smiling, and just watched. He simply watched. And loved it.

The next couple of hours were spent in relative silence, Sabu even falling into a fitful sleep at one point. All seemed to go well, although as the morning ended and afternoon began, Rob could feel tension building. Perhaps Sabu was fearing 'the talk', or it was his body acting up, but the man was becoming restless. Rob had suggested they go somewhere, but Sabu had rudely let him know he wasn't fond of walking anymore, shutting Rob up.

Now Rob watched with worry as Sabu grabbed some things from his travel-bag and stuffed them into his pockets. He'd apparently changed out of his ring-gear and into something more comfortable when Rob had been asleep. Unfortunately Rob had missed the show entirely.

"I need to get some things sorted out."

Rob froze at that, the realization that Sabu was keeping something from him suddenly dawning on him. What was going on, and couldn't Rob come? Sabu didn't give him the chance to ponder it, instead continuing quickly.

"I'll meet you back here at around five. I left some money in my bag for you. Use it if you have to, but know I'm getting it back with interest."

He stared at Sabu, catching the nervousness is his partner's voice, noticed his own quickened breathing. What was Sabu up to? Could he trust him to be there, like he said he would? Being tired didn't mean he'd stay, and if there was anything Rob had learned, then it was that Sabu - no matter how he felt - preferred running away over giving in.

"And will you be there, or will you disappear again? At least give me a head-start, Sabu, following you around is fucking tiresome."

He didn't get an answer, and instead slowly followed as Sabu limped out the door. He considered following him, but knew it wouldn't work. Staring at his lover's retreating back, he tried to quiet that little voice that told him not to trust Sabu. If he had learned anything, then it was not to trust Sabu. But, oh, he wanted to.

His eyes were probably red, Rob knew, having done nothing but watch TV since Sabu had left. He'd been sitting there, trying to understand the gibberish that was German, for over four hours, the nerves eating at him. The thought of this all having been in vain scared him, as did his own resolve. Could he deal with another rejection?

Staring at his watch - it was 5.15 - Rob tried to focus on the TV again, not giving in to the urge to go over everything the man had said, done, or neglected to. Worrying - Sabu had told him to stop that so many times - wouldn't help his case, and right now he needed to believe Sabu would show up. He too was tired, but not of wrestling. Hell, not even of the way he'd been dashing from country to country. Most of all he was tired of the painful game of cat-and-mouse they played, Rob always ending up the loser. He just hoped this time the mouse would end up getting what it wanted. This time, Rob decided, Sabu had to show up. If not, then Rob wasn't sure what he'd do.

To Be Continued. (End of Part Two.)

If you would like to read the final part, then you'll have to go to my website or livejournal, since it is NC-17 in nature.


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